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The Royals in Trinidad for CHOGM

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:39:58 -0500

Courtesy of @patrickmanning.

((tag: chogm, patrick manning, british royalty))

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How to kill a good idea

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 13:25:33 -0500

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Schrödinger’s Rapist

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 13:42:28 -0500

Gentlemen. Thank you for reading.

Let me start out by assuring you that I understand you are a good sort of person. You are kind to children and animals. You respect the elderly. You donate to charity. You tell jokes without laughing at your own punchlines. You respect women. You like women. In fact, you would really like to have a mutually respectful and loving sexual relationship with a woman. Unfortunately, you don’t yet know that woman—she isn’t working with you, nor have you been introduced through mutual friends or drawn to the same activities. So you must look further afield to encounter her.

So far, so good. Miss LonelyHearts, your humble instructor, approves. Human connection, love, romance: there is nothing wrong with these yearnings.

Now, you want to become acquainted with a woman you see in public. The first thing you need to understand is that women are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be killed or otherwise violently assaulted.

“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”

Well, no. But do you think about it all the time? Is preventing violent assault or murder part of your daily routine, rather than merely something you do when you venture into war zones? Because, for women, it is. When I go on a date, I always leave the man’s full name and contact information written next to my computer monitor. This is so the cops can find my body if I go missing. My best friend will call or e-mail me the next morning, and I must answer that call or e-mail before noon-ish, or she begins to worry. If she doesn’t hear from me by three or so, she’ll call the police. My activities after dark are curtailed. Unless I am in a densely-occupied, well-lit space, I won’t go out alone. Even then, I prefer to have a friend or two, or my dogs, with me. Do you follow rules like these?

So when you, a stranger, approach me, I have to ask myself: Will this man rape me?

Do you think I’m overreacting? One in every six American women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. I bet you don’t think you know any rapists, but consider the sheer number of rapes that must occur. These rapes are not all committed by Phillip Garrido, Brian David Mitchell, or other members of the Brotherhood of Scary Hair and Homemade Religion. While you may assume that none of the men you know are rapists, I can assure you that at least one is. Consider: if every rapist commits an average of ten rapes (a horrifying number, isn’t it?) then the concentration of rapists in the population is still a little over one in sixty. That means four in my graduating class in high school. One among my coworkers. One in the subway car at rush hour. Eleven who work out at my gym. How do I know that you, the nice guy who wants nothing more than companionship and True Love, are not this rapist?

I don’t.

When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me. I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about my personal safety.

Fortunately, you’re a good guy. We’ve already established that. Now that you’re aware that there’s a problem, you are going to go out of your way to fix it, and to make the women with whom you interact feel as safe as possible.

To begin with, you must accept that I set my own risk tolerance. When you approach me, I will begin to evaluate the possibility you will do me harm. That possibility is never 0%. For some women, particularly women who have been victims of violent assaults, any level of risk is unacceptable. Those women do not want to be approached, no matter how nice you are or how much you’d like to date them. Okay? That’s their right. Don’t get pissy about it. Women are under no obligation to hear the sales pitch before deciding they are not in the market to buy.

The second important point: you must be aware of what signals you are sending by your appearance and the environment. We are going to be paying close attention to your appearance and behavior and matching those signs to our idea of a threat.

This means that some men should never approach strange women in public. Specifically, if you have truly unusual standards of personal cleanliness, if you are the prophet of your own religion, or if you have tattoos of gang symbols or Technicolor cockroaches all over your face and neck, you are just never going to get a good response approaching a woman cold. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of solitude, but I suggest you start with internet dating, where you can put your unusual traits out there and find a woman who will appreciate them.

Are you wearing a tee-shirt making a rape joke? NOT A GOOD CHOICE—not in general, and definitely not when approaching a strange woman.

Pay attention to the environment. Look around. Are you in a dark alley? Then probably you ought not approach a woman and try to strike up a conversation. The same applies if you are alone with a woman in most public places. If the public place is a closed area (a subway car, an elevator, a bus), even a crowded one, you may not realize that the woman’s ability to flee in case of threat is limited. Ask yourself, “If I were dangerous, would this woman be safe in this space with me?” If the answer is no, then it isn’t appropriate to approach her.

On the other hand, if you are both at church accompanied by your mothers, who are lifelong best friends, the woman is as close as it comes to safe. That is to say, still not 100% safe. But the odds are pretty good.

The third point: Women are communicating all the time. Learn to understand and respect women’s communication to you.

You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty, because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb. So, y’know, don’t disturb her. Really. Even to say that you like her hair, shoes, or book. A compliment is not always a reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a threat, remember? You are Schrödinger’s Rapist. Don’t assume that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm or flattery. Believe what she’s signaling, and back off.

If you speak, and she responds in a monosyllabic way without looking at you, she’s saying, “I don’t want to be rude, but please leave me alone.” You don’t know why. It could be “Please leave me alone because I am trying to memorize Beowulf.” It could be “Please leave me alone because you are a scary, scary man with breath like a water buffalo.” It could be “Please leave me alone because I am planning my assassination of a major geopolitical figure and I will have to kill you if you are able to recognize me and blow my cover.”

On the other hand, if she is turned towards you, making eye contact, and she responds in a friendly and talkative manner when you speak to her, you are getting a green light. You can continue the conversation until you start getting signals to back off.

The fourth point: If you fail to respect what women say, you label yourself a problem.

There’s a man with whom I went out on a single date—afternoon coffee, for one hour by the clock—on July 25th. In the two days after the date, he sent me about fifteen e-mails, scolding me for non-responsiveness. I e-mailed him back, saying, “Look, this is a disproportionate response to a single date. You are making me uncomfortable. Do not contact me again.” It is now October 7th. Does he still e-mail?

Yeah. He does. About every two weeks.

This man scores higher on the threat level scale than Man with the Cockroach Tattoos. (Who, after all, is guilty of nothing more than terrifying bad taste.) You see, Mr. E-mail has made it clear that he ignores what I say when he wants something from me. Now, I don’t know if he is an actual rapist, and I sincerely hope he’s not. But he is certainly Schrödinger’s Rapist, and this particular Schrödinger’s Rapist has a probability ratio greater than one in sixty. Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well.

So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.

For women, who are watching you very closely to determine how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of data.

The fifth and last point: Don’t rape. Nor should you commit these similar but less severe offenses: don’t assault. Don’t grope. Don’t constrain. Don’t brandish. Don’t expose yourself. Don’t threaten with physical violence. Don’t threaten with sexual violence.

Shouldn’t this go without saying? Of course it should. Sadly, that’s not the world I live in. You may be beginning to realize that it’s not the world you live in, either.

Miss LonelyHearts wishes you happiness and success in your search for romantic companionship.

via kateharding.net

For more interesting reading, devote 1/2 hour to the comments.

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Outings [2]

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:00:44 -0400

dorian1975:

A friend of a friend has a 14 year old nephew who just came out to his parents. The only reason I know about it is that his big sister called to confide in me (she knows I’m gay).

His mother’s reaction is fairly common (and some of it is sensible): I love you, but I am worried about you in this culture. You are too young to make this decision.

His father’s reaction can only be described as cuntish: No more dance class for you. If you can’t be straight then I’m going to take away all the gay stuff from your life. Oh, plus you’re not allowed to eat with me once you’re gay. So starve.

I agree that he is too young to make the decision to come out in this culture. He doesn’t fully comprehend the danger he is in. This is culture that rapes young men and women for being gay (both literally and figuratively). This is a culture that stones those who stand out. Age 14 is too young. We are not America where you can run away to the big city and find like minded people. There is nowhere to run here. Here you are stuck. Here your job prospects can be damaged by coming out, not to mention all your future interpersonal relationships.

I do not agree that he made the decision to be gay. Being gay is not a decision. It is not a choice. It is a state of being that we do not decide.

I want to beat his father to a pulp. My own parents never let me believe that they did not love me when I came out to them. Then again, my parents never grew dreadlocks and pretended to be Rasta the way this young man’s father did. Rent-a-dread mother fucker.

I want to speak to the young man. I want to speak to the young man’s mother. They all know I am gay, and they are close enough to me. But they have tried to keep this very secret. I only know because the big sister wanted my advice. I do not want to speak to the father; all I want to do is smash his fucking ignorant, homophobic, hate-filled face in with a brick.

Is it in my place to speak to these people, or should I just leave well enough alone and hope that the young man does not come out of this whole experience as an extremely damaged, self-loathing adult?

I understand your feelings here, believe me I do. But you need to know this:

As a parent I would take great umbrage with someone, who is for all intents and purposes totally uninvolved with the situation at hand, “talking” to me about what I “should do/feel/react/think” with regard to my child. You won’t win any points with them and may just aggravate the situation, especially since it is obvious they aren’t volunteering this information to anyone.

The best you can do is offer support (not even guidance - SUPPORT) to the young man via his sister. It’s a ticklish situation counseling a young person about their sexuality, gay or straight, much less a young person who is under the age of consent. It’s one thing if you are offering support second-hand thru his sister, but it is a different, rather inappropriate thing for a grown adult to be back-patting and advising a young teen. Again, this would warrant you no favours from the parents, and may encourage a belief on their part that maybe YOU had *some hand in making* their son gay. Make no mistake, Homophobe-Dad is right now looking for someone to blame for having a gay son. Don’t let it be you. Watch over, be concerned, extend helping hands when it is appropriate to, but do not get involved.

One of your commenters mentioned “Allow the Universe to work and a way will present itself”. Whether you like it or not, the young man will have to make his own way, find his own path, gain his own wisdom, have his own painful/joyous experiences. I think he has already displayed tremendous courage, for a person so young, by coming out. He might just be stronger than you think.

GOP.com. Gotta love the Republicans

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 09:23:57 -0400

Michael Steele you have got to stop it with the funny today, we can’t take much more. NO NO DON’T GO ON TV! Oh no he’s going to say something too hilarious! Uh oh: “It’s a new platform for us. It’s not even really a web site.” No! A website is *exactly* what it is! This is too much. Let’s read some arbitrary news outlet to get away from all this, it doesn’t matter which… ah, New York Daily News, as good a choice as any, let’s see what’s in the ollll’ NYDN… “GOP Posts Password, Admin Instructions on New Web Site.” GAHH. [TPM, NYDN]

ShareThis

via wonkette.com

Are there no Republicans with a working knowledge of Frontpage?!?

For maximum snicker-value, contrast GOP.com to BarackObama.com or even WhiteHouse.gov.

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Awesome sign from National Equality March on DC

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:30:49 -0400

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African newspaper bad taste headline

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 14:14:58 -0400

via popbitch.com

JUST when you think Grenadian newspapers are the worst, this paper’s headline and sub-headline simply swoop in and take the cake.

For more kix, check out the captions on the pictures - Accused/Shafted.

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Testing a Posterous post from Google Wave

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 10:08:48 -0400

Testing a Posterous post from Google Wave
Hoping this works

via google-wave-robot

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A Grenada version of the Hitler video meme.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 11:56:03 -0400

This is making the rounds recently and it is massively hilarious PARTICULARLY if you know of the restaurants they are referencing.

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vneckandacardigan: Nutella Croissants STAT. (Via) drool

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 11:02:06 -0400

vneckandacardigan:

Nutella Croissants STAT.

(Via)

*drool*

(via hangar18) Love this

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 10:54:50 -0400

(via hangar18)

Love this

Testing email post

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 10:34:00 -0400

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"Tolerance always has limits - it cannot tolerate what is itself actively intolerant"

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 10:22:33 -0400

““Tolerance always has limits - it cannot tolerate what is itself actively intolerant””

- Sydney Hook

Spectacularly Normal - from Joshua Yetman/Modern Day Gilligan

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 01:47:00 -0400

via moderndaygilligan.com

_____________
Ever so often I open Twitter or my NetNewsWire rss feed, to find out that @MDGilligan has posted a new picture (see above).

More often than not, his images manage to evoke feelings in me that are overwhelming, they are sometimes hard to explain or to define.

Case in point, this picture above, and the simple, yet extraordinarily beautiful tableaux that you see. This is the famous Grand Anse Beach, a 2 mile strip of sand on Grenada’s south-western shoreline, home to no less than five hotels, a few more guesthouses, restaurants and bars, a public park, a college campus, a church, a cemetery and - on its southernmost tip - an abandoned leper colony presently known as Quarantine Point.

I’ve been a fan of Joshua Yetman, or Gilligan as I refer to him often in conversation with other people for quite some time. I am often in awe of his unique perspective on Grenada. He is an American, married to a Trinidadian, living in Grenada. And yet, he captures such images and moments in time of a Grenada, an island, a people, a narrative of a history and a culture that are not his by birth, but have become his through his lens. Looking at his photos I see a wonderful talent, but I also feel his love and appreciation and connection to his subject matter. Sometimes it makes me tear up, because it’s like his photographs are speaking to me, talking of the beauty, simplicity, the essence of this country that I love so much. So many times I have looked at the photos on his blog or his Flickr and marveled at how much is being said in one single millisecond of time. And that the story Josh is telling is mine. And ours.

____________

I’ve never met Joshua. I’ve seen him around here or there. We’ve exchanged emails a couple times. I’ve paparazzi-ed him a once or twice. There have been times when i could have said “Hey! It’s me! Wasssssup?!”, but I’ve held back; whether from shyness or my chronic fear of outing my blogging self I’m not sure. It’s just the 13-yr old fangirl in me!

Check out Joshua/MDGilligan’s photoblog at http://www.moderndaygilligan.com/ and his Flickr at http://www.flickr.com/photos/joshy55013/

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Gay Exorcisms thanks to Tyra

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:00:37 -0400

via jezebel.com

___________________
Like Jerry Springer and Maury, Tyra is one of those shows you feel less smart after viewing.

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Outings [1]

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 10:55:13 -0400

dorian1975:

When I was in my early 20s, one of the people I came out to was my cousin. My cousin, in a thoughtless fit of selfish honesty (also called gossip) told my aunt and uncle - her parents. My uncle, in an attempt to ingratiate himself with his mother, outed me to Granny, using phrases like “dutty, stinkin’ bullerman” and “fuckin’ faggot”.

My grandmother was silent for 2 weeks. I was devastated. I spent most of that time curled up in bed.

After 2 weeks, Granny phoned me. “Dorian,” she said, “I need to go to the grocery store. Come and take me.”

I drove to her house, collected her, drove her to the grocery store, walked around with her, carried the bags back to the car, and drove her home again. We spoke of inconsequential things the whole time. I thought she was going to ignore the entire episode.

After my cousin (another cousin, not the same one as earlier - this cousin was the one who told me what my uncle had done) took the groceries out of the car and carried them inside, Granny turned to me and said, “I will always love you. No matter what you do, or who you are. You are my first grandson. I am very proud of you. Don’t ever worry that I don’t love you. And pick up the fuckin’ phone and call me once in a while.”

We never spoke of it again.

My uncle went on to out me to anyone who would listen. Most people ignored him since he’d been calling me a pansy for as long as many of them could remember. Plus, my granny loved me, so nothing else mattered.

Family. Can’t live with them. Can’t kill them. And yes, grannies rock.

snicker Yeah!!!!1! Take that you dumbass congressman Wilson. A special blingee for you!

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 09:43:56 -0400

via blingee.com

________________________
Quite honestly, I have great respect for Obama and his ability to put up with these ignorant assholes.

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pablocool: Just Sad….tsk tsk snicker Sounds like somthing I...

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 19:34:46 -0400

pablocool:

Just Sad….tsk tsk

*snicker* Sounds like somthing I would do

Hurricane Ivan & Grenada - 5 years ago

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 14:14:52 -0400

Today marks the 5th anniversary of Hurricane Ivan’s assault on Grenada in 2004. This post is published at 2:00pm, to commemorate the approximate time on that day that the first destructive assaults began on the eastern side of the island.

It goes without saying that 5 years on, the scars of Ivan are still fresh on the minds of the average Grenadian. Tens of thousands of people had their homes, businesses, schools, churches, community centers, vehicles and - most importantly - their peace of mind taken from them in a single half-day period. But the most painful part, as I can attest, was the loss of personal items, photo albums, keepsakes, and the myriad other little treasures that inevitably mark the signicant periods of our lives. All of the photos of my life up to that point were lost - my baby pictures, first days at school, high school graduation, college, wedding, and those from the birth of the Lil One. All the moments in my life that I saved for posterity now exist only in my memory - I still tear up when I reflect on what is gone.

Below are the links to my two-part post about Ivan, originally written in 2005.

YY’s Ivan Chronicle part 1

YY’s Ivan Chronicle part 2

A few links where you can view other “survivor” stories and pictures:

Samir Shah (SGU student)

Cindy’s Webshots Album

Lovest3 Webshots Album

Grenada Explorer

madmarck66’s Flickr

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