dorian1975:

A friend of a friend has a 14 year old nephew who just came out to his parents. The only reason I know about it is that his big sister called to confide in me (she knows I’m gay).

His mother’s reaction is fairly common (and some of it is sensible): I love you, but I am worried about you in this culture. You are too young to make this decision.

His father’s reaction can only be described as cuntish: No more dance class for you. If you can’t be straight then I’m going to take away all the gay stuff from your life. Oh, plus you’re not allowed to eat with me once you’re gay. So starve.

I agree that he is too young to make the decision to come out in this culture. He doesn’t fully comprehend the danger he is in. This is culture that rapes young men and women for being gay (both literally and figuratively). This is a culture that stones those who stand out. Age 14 is too young. We are not America where you can run away to the big city and find like minded people. There is nowhere to run here. Here you are stuck. Here your job prospects can be damaged by coming out, not to mention all your future interpersonal relationships.

I do not agree that he made the decision to be gay. Being gay is not a decision. It is not a choice. It is a state of being that we do not decide.

I want to beat his father to a pulp. My own parents never let me believe that they did not love me when I came out to them. Then again, my parents never grew dreadlocks and pretended to be Rasta the way this young man’s father did. Rent-a-dread mother fucker.

I want to speak to the young man. I want to speak to the young man’s mother. They all know I am gay, and they are close enough to me. But they have tried to keep this very secret. I only know because the big sister wanted my advice. I do not want to speak to the father; all I want to do is smash his fucking ignorant, homophobic, hate-filled face in with a brick.

Is it in my place to speak to these people, or should I just leave well enough alone and hope that the young man does not come out of this whole experience as an extremely damaged, self-loathing adult?

I understand your feelings here, believe me I do. But you need to know this:

As a parent I would take great umbrage with someone, who is for all intents and purposes totally uninvolved with the situation at hand, “talking” to me about what I “should do/feel/react/think” with regard to my child. You won’t win any points with them and may just aggravate the situation, especially since it is obvious they aren’t volunteering this information to anyone.

The best you can do is offer support (not even guidance - SUPPORT) to the young man via his sister. It’s a ticklish situation counseling a young person about their sexuality, gay or straight, much less a young person who is under the age of consent. It’s one thing if you are offering support second-hand thru his sister, but it is a different, rather inappropriate thing for a grown adult to be back-patting and advising a young teen.  Again, this would warrant you no favours from the parents, and may encourage a belief on their part that maybe YOU had *some hand in making* their son gay.  Make no mistake, Homophobe-Dad is right now looking for someone to blame for having a gay son. Don’t let it be you. Watch over, be concerned, extend helping hands when it is appropriate to, but do not get involved.

One of your commenters mentioned “Allow the Universe to work and a way will present itself”. Whether you like it or not, the young man will have to make his own way, find his own path, gain his own wisdom, have his own painful/joyous experiences. I think he has already displayed tremendous courage, for a person so young, by coming out. He might just be stronger than you think.